Got a question? Ask Keefee

Every Monday, Keefee answers a new question.

Submit yours below


“Keefee Nicks where do we go when we die? I miss my cat. Will I see her again in the after life? Or is she already reincarnated?” Kelleen Conway Blanchard

Ms. Kelleen, I gotta tell ya I don’t know for sure. I bet that’s the one question that’s been asked the most times through all of time, darlin. And the only folks who know for sure ain’t talkin. I got some ideas..but…so I talk about my Momma sometimes. She’s a pain in my ass most the time and she’s got a mean streak in her as long as it gets but I love her. Cause she’s family. You know? Her names Louella, by the way. Anyway, she got lung cancer a couple years ago and she was doin good there for a while but I guess it’s Mesothelioma which I didn’t know cause I didn’t push for details when she first got sick’s easier not to know some things sometimes you know. Anyway, I guess with that kinda cancer…I guess there’s really no good way outta that one. So..I been thinking.

Louella’s real religious and she seems pretty solid on how it’s gonna go down, though she don’t talk about it much so maybe she ain’t that sure. How can you be? Barry Farkas , who does all my pictures and posters and shit, he’s way smarter than me. He’s on Facebook too but he’s been pretty quiet lately. Guess he’s got his own shit goin on too. Anyway, we were talking about death and all one night when I was getting him high and he said scientists say there’s a law in nature that no energy is ever destroyed. It can be changed from one thing to another but the energy never goes away. And it tripped me out when he said that (it was pretty good weed). If you think about it, we are all just energy right? Bouncing cells and protons and whatever. So all the, whatever the life force is that’s in us, it won’t go away. It can’t. Cause I believe, unlike some people...Luella, that if enough scientists say something is true then it’s true. And if it’s true then our energy never goes away, it just changes. And maybe when we break down into molecules then all of our energies combine into one big mass. And we all become one. And then my energy can mix in with the energy of my favorite cat Plumber, who died when I was 20 after I moved away from home. Cause she missed me too much, I think. And that always killed me inside. But maybe when I die, our molecules will get mixed together. And with Momma’s. Like maybe your’s will with your cat, Ms Kelleen. And everyone you love. And maybe it’s different than life how we know it now, but maybe that’s ok. Cause I don’t know about you, but life as I know it now isn’t always that super great. So that’s what I think. But you know…who the hell knows?


"What's the best way to get somebody to clean out my refrigerator for me?" Rebecca Davis

Well Ms Rebecca, that is a very timely question cause I am in a similar predicament. Since I was sick for so long (Ok Keefee, they get it. You were sick Move on.) the place here is a total wreck. Even though they say Momma's cancer has gone into remission (yay!) she still lays in bed most of the time cause let's face it she was a bit of a lazy slob before the diagnosis and gettin cancer doesn't magically make you a better person. So I've been wallowing in it here and among the other messes the refrigerator is the messiest mess of all. I needed help but how??

Firstly, I tried my go-to in this kinda situation, using pity, Mostly I can get some sob story put together bout why I need help getting something done and it usually works ('specially if I turn on the old waterworks) but I have used up a bunch of goodwill on some real sob stories recently (Thanks Fosta! and even "Thanks Randy!" who stepped up to help here with Momma. Randy's my best best friend if you didn't know that). If you can use pity to get someone scrubbing that refrigerator then do it.

It wasn't working for me so I turned to my Plan B, guilt. Orchestrate some kinda 'accident' to happen so that someone else feels responsible for clean up. Momma's neighbor, Salvatore came by the other day to borrow a cup of milk (cause New Smyrna Beach is Mayberry apparently). When I was in the bathroom I yelled out for him to get some milk out of the fridge. I came back in and while he was in the living room talking to Momma, I cracked the fridge door open and let things heat up. Before he left, I 'noticed' that things were melting and asked if he had left the door open. Bam! He offered to clean up the fridge. Note, this method will not work if you have Scruples. I have some but not all of them. I'm human. If you have the game "Scruples" though, give me a call. I loved that game. If folks are honest, it's amazing what you'll find out.
Here's me in that famous painting about the kid from Home Alone.


“here is my question: how do we cure people of the idea that "playing devil's advocate" is a necessary part of every conversation when it is just obnoxious contrarianism gone amok?” Pogo Saito

Ok I ain't going to lie, when I first read your question I was like..'the fuck?'. That's a bunch of fancy words Ms Pogo. I didn't get my high school diploma so my vocabulary is not voluminous (thank you thesaurus! I using that right?) I did get my GED (Get Educated Dummy) cause it turns out that if you apply for just about any dumb job they want to see that you have the smarts to at least bullshit your way through a stupid multiple choice test.

I had to ask Barry (maybe I should call my post Ask Barry. Ha!) and according to him it beaks down to pretty much "How can we stop some people who piss on everything you say and are all negative when they are just doing it to piss you off or to get attention?' Great question! You know who that describes? My Momma (love ya Momma but you know it's true) Everything I say, she got to come back with 'Well Keefee blah blah blah thats not right.' Like we were talking the other day about Dick Clark's Rocking New Year and she's saying 'No Keefee there was someone else who did Rockin New Year before Dick Clark' which is NOT TRUE! But she just has to be contraian (👍). What I do mostly is ignore her when she's like that and she cuts it out. So try that!

Here's a lot of me and my butt.
Ask question below and I will answer. Got a question from Ms Kelleen Conway Blanchard comin up but I can always use more!

Type your question below. Keefee may respond. Who can say?
Name *